Labels are Boxes

The year was 1979-an essay by Chirlane McCray was published in Essence Magazine (a magazine whose primary audience is Black women) called “I am a Lesbian”. This was considered an incredibly bold move, to speak openly and honestly about her sexuality, stating that she “discovered her preference for women early before getting locked into a traditional marriage.”

Fast forward 34 years and for the past 19 years she has been happily married to Bill de Blasio (New York City Mayor-Elect) raising their two teenage children.

How does one who self-identifies as a lesbian find herself married to a man?

In the June 2013 issue of Essence they asked her several questions that I found thought provoking and that indicated a mindfulness and willingness to be present with events that would seem contrary to how she identified herself up to the moment/time she met her current husband.

Essence: So how did you go from being a lesbian to falling in love with a man?

McCray: By putting aside the assumptions I had about the form and package my love would come in. By letting myself be as free as I felt when I went natural.

Putting aside assumptions in any case is what allows options and opportunities to present themselves. I am always fascinated and thrilled when anyone is able to do something that that they never pictured themselves doing in their experience up to that moment.

Essence: Still, was it strange being with a man, after so long?

McCray: I came out at 17. I hadn’t really dated any men. I thought, Whoa, what is this? But I also didn’t think, Oh, now I’m attracted to men. I was attracted to Bill. He felt like the perfect person for me. For two people who look so different, we have a lot in common. We are a very conventional, unconventional couple.

Having an idea of who you are and who you are attracted to today is a good thing, being able to recognize and integrate into your self-view the above changing is a priceless skill. McCray never expected that she would be attracted to a man but didn’t shy away when it happened.

Essence: Do you consider yourself bisexual?

McCray: I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes and those boxes are shaped like coffins. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, “It’s not whom you love; it’s that you love.”

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What makes labels so popular is that it provides a place for your brain to rest when identifying someone. It’s understandable that a resting spot for identifying self and others could be beneficial, but what happens when “self” changes? The most constant thing in the world is that things will change and most find it challenging. Insisting that self and others not change is how the Label turns into a Coffin-suffocating, confining and limiting. As much as McCray self-identified as a lesbian she didn’t allow the label to stop her from loving her husband.

What are your labels? How do they serve you? What happens when new information conflict with the labels you have for yourself? When they conflict with the labels others have for you? How do you resolve the possible dissonance between who you thought yourself to be and who you are becoming?

How Chirlane McCray dealt with the above is a perfect example of one approach to managing one’s labels.